5 nov 2007
why was I chosen for this task the spirits have given me? this confounded me, haunted me, frightened me for most of my life. It wasn't so terrible as a small child, the spirits were my friends, my playmates, I knew they would never harm me. But when I got older, and realized that other people didn't know about these spirits, I learned to be afraid. I was terrified I'd be found out, that my friends might learn that I wasn't like them, that I was different, strange, a freak.
When the world laughed at Shirley Maclaine, I grew even more afraid. I dared not admit to anyone that I agreed with her and saw no cause for ridicule, and I became afraid to draw that ridicule upon myself. I did everything I could to fortify those walls I had already built between me and everyone else, to hide who I am from them out of fear.
And still the notion that invisible beings had some sort of hand in who I am, and wanted something from me, really bothered me. Why were they giving me these visions and dreams? I didn't want to be different. I just wanted left alone and to leave people alone. Until the children came along, I would have been perfectly happy to live out in the woods much as Thoreau did in his Walden experiment, except permanently. Alone, where I could commune with nature and the spirits and not have to worry about anyone thinking I'm crazy, delusional, insane, because there wouldn't be any other people around.
Was I chosen? Are we not all of us chosen? Is the only difference between us that I am not fighting it anymore, not trying to be like everyone else, okay with who I am, warts and all?
You don't have to believe what I believe is true. But I do. When I start to doubt, my pain comes back. I was hurting my entire life, and now that the pain is gone, I can't go back there again. I am happy now, and I like it so much better than the constant anger and rage that I always felt before. I do have a choice, and I have made my decision. It's entirely up to you what you choose to believe. Just remember that my beliefs cause harm to nobody, please do not try to harm me with what you believe to be true.
And really, all I want anyone to do is question their beliefs, not to negate them, but to find Truth, as truth stands up to scrutiny. Only false beliefs are harmed when people ask the difficult questions. I know that truth is so much larger than I am that I can never see the whole picture. I know that what is true for me may not be true for you, and that's OKAY! Just the act of trying to find it, that's what counts, that is what is going to set us all free!!
“and now that the pain is gone, I can't go back there again.”
this bears repeating. This is why I *must* believe. I don't care whether anyone else believes or not, or if they think the government has put some sort of micro-chip radio in my head, or any other ludicrous notion along those lines. You should hear the doozies I've heard lately, other people trying to explain away and negate my personal experiences, just because they are afraid of that which they do not understand!
I find it much preferable to believe, and to not hurt anymore, than to doubt and live with the sort of constant pain I always experienced before. But hey, that's my choice! You don't have to agree with it. I really don't care. (that's not true, I do care, and I don't like seeing people in pain, but there's nothing I can do if they find the pain preferable than the journey within to face their own fears.)