Monday, April 28, 2014

the next chapter

i think i don't wanna be the anarchist bitch anymore.  and i think this blog is probably pretty much done, but like my spacey stacy blog, it will still be around.  anyway, in case you missed the announcement, here's my new blog, the next chapter

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


a very young,
very messed up girl
fell deeply and madly in love
with a very messed up man
even as messed up as she was
she knew that together
they would only get worse
so she set off to get better
without him.
she found some one
just one, but that's enough
who was kind to her
and who allowed her
the space and time
needed to heal
and she got better
and lived happily ever after
the man in her dreams
(who wasn't really there
when she needed him)
chose differently
and he never got better.


he never knew
but he showed me
he never looked
to see it himself
he never knew
what was there
all along, forgotten
ignored, denied
he didn't know
he never saw
i didn't know
he was too much
a coward!
afraid to look
inside his own heart
to find the love
he thought he never had

Saturday, March 8, 2014

too late (from november, 2013)

it's not sad, it's too late to be sad
for the drug addicted star that self destructed
like all the other drug addicted famous people
the ones you hear about in the news every day

you are sad because you want to believe
in the lie they call the american dream
but it's as dead as that junkie whore
who sold her soul to the silver screen

that's what is so sad
is that nobody noticed
when she really died
drugs kept her animated
as though she were alive
but something inside her
died long before that
maybe it was hope that died
that spark inside
that keeps us going
the ones who survive
and leaves the rest
lying in the dust

but wait! there's more!
you can get a free ipad
with orthodontal work
or discount botox injections
yeah, maybe that will help

we don't need more dead heroes...
dead poets, dead artists, dead rock stars
another dead mystic to hang from a tree


untitled, from yesterday

brick walls and denial
stockholm syndrome
cognitive dissonance

everybody deserves
to be treated with respect
even if they don't think so
it is up to you, what you do

"what if she wants it?" is no excuse.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

white light junkies

in the eye

are they starting 
to sound like 
the wives of drunks, 
justifying the abuse?

they need 
to turn 
some of their 
"healing energy" 
on themselves

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

work in progress

if you give unconditional love
to an abusive asshole
you will get abused by them

at some point it's not about the kind of forgiveness
that enables the cycle to continue anymore,
and becomes an issue of loving yourself enough
to not put up with their harmful behavior.

love by itself isn't enough to make a relationship work,
especially not when one (or both) partners won't even try.
and it's not easy, to walk away from everything
you put into it trying to make it work, feels like failure,
like if you could have tried just a little bit harder,
or if you could have loved them just a little bit more, maybe...

but maybe doesn't count
because unconditional love is that kind of trap
that abusive assholes love to use
to manipulate their victims.
no matter how much they blame you,
or the alcohol, or the drugs, or their parents,
or their job, or their social status, or whatever the fuck
they gotta blame somebody or something else,
it's not your fault they're like that.
it's not your job to fix anybody else.
that's all on them. you can't help.

your love,
no matter how much you love them,
it isn't enough.
it only enables more abuse.

so if love were a choice,
why would we do this to ourselves?

i don't think you get to choose love,
you either feel it or you don't.
like all the other feelings,
maybe even moreso than the rest,
it isn't rational, you can't rationalize it,
it doesn't make sense.
that doesn't mean it isn't valid.

when you love somebody too much,
they take it for granted you always will,
no matter what they do.
you wish that were true,
sometimes it just isn't.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

more poetry from yesterday...

what if...

what if love was a gift
not an investment
and you stopped
expecting a return?
what if love were free?
no price to pay
no debt owed
no contractural fees,
administration costs,
nor balances due?

your mileage may vary


what if love was a train?
would yours have wrecked?
where would it go?

when my ship came in
i was waiting for a train
maybe the love boat
would have been better

chattanooga choo choo
was turned into a hotel
no passenger trains
come here any more

and johnny cash
dead, still sings
songs of trains
and love

Friday, February 28, 2014


some things cannot be rationalized
because there's nothing rational about it
it doesn't matter what you might say
your mockery doesn't change it
maybe you can't hear the music
doesn't mean there is no reason
for them to dance...

besides, it's just more divisive rhetoric
pitting you against all them others
who don't think you should decide for them
because their faith isn't up to you
nor is it up for public debate
being a personal relationship with the divine
even if you don't have one
maybe they really do
and who are you to say they're wrong?

i think i'll call this one "tolerance"
because that is what they call it, i think
when people don't act like shitheads to each other
for being different from what you think
is the right way to be.

you don't get to decide for them.

Monday, January 20, 2014


if i got to decide
(which i don't)
but if i did
i would say
we all should
vote for ourselves
and make it

fuck anonymous

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

i made a poem while out walking the dog today

too cold...
no traffic no birds
everything is quiet
except my footsteps
on frozen ground
futile attempt
to tread lightly...

Saturday, December 28, 2013

you don't have to fuck the rich, they've already fucked themselves

but was it worth it?
to turn gifts of love to gold
now gold is all that remains?
did it ever buy you
anything worth having?

Sunday, December 15, 2013

happy holidays, y'all

christmas always sucked. with the little charlie brown tree mom picked up for deep discount (sometimes free) on christmas eve, i would wrap my baby blanket around its base, hoping maybe we could have a happy holiday, just once... but that never happened. not really. never got the presents i wanted, well except that one year there was a mountain of presents, after the parents divorced, and everyone must have pitched in to help us have presents under the tree. but the giant size barbie i wanted most of all turned out to not be near as much fun as the ad on teevee made it seem. that year, i got what i wanted and christmas still sucked. so i kinda quit doing the holidays when i was old enough to stay home when the family went visiting relatives or whatever... just wasn't with it. the bad boys got all the cool toys because their parents had money. santa was a fake. it just totally sucked and i wanted no part of it.

and then...
many many years later, decades later, in fact.
something magical happened! i had children of my own! and a mission to not let christmas suck for them like it always did for me. and it took me a while, but i started actually enjoying the decorations, and the cookies, the songs, and even the gift-giving. last year was the best christmas, ever! so this one won't suck, either. because my children taught me how to enjoy their childhood, since i never did really enjoy my own.

peace on earth
goodwill toward men
and women and children
and all the little critters, too

(added the following as an afterthought)

i still wrap that same blanket around the base of our tree. except the year meriel wouldn't let me take it from her for that purpose, because she had claimed it for her own.

i remember when i got that blanket, too. dad was working at macy's so was in the parade. i guess it was where monica was born, she was still a baby. not petersburg, somewhere close to there, can't remember. so we went to watch the parade and it was real cold. a stranger gave me that blanket, just out of the kindness of his heart, to help keep me warm.

so that blanket i guess was my reminder that i needed reminded of today. i took it with me to college. somehow, even through the first marriage, when i left just about everything i owned behind, i held on to that blanket a stranger gave me when i was very small. one small act of kindness that always stayed with me.

Friday, December 13, 2013

to be free...

wishes are wasted
on trivial things
like fame and fortune
and success

you can dream bigger than that

some people never learn:
gifts are meant to be given away,
and when you use them for profit,
or personal gain, or to hurt people,
you don't get any more of them.
but when you share them freely
they will take us one step closer
to that which we all wish for
the freedom to be ... to be free

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

but wait! there's more!

and i can call it poetry
and you can pretend
it's not about you

here be monsters!

ego is a self defense mechanism too?
and we build these defenses for protection
but what they do is imprison us
and hurt anyone who gets too close

conscious awareness would seem to be
the answer to the question nobody is asking.
so there's denial involved, which says
there is nothing to be aware of,
go back to sleep.

i know the way
to where?
nobody wants to go
here be monsters!

i can't go there for you,
but i can show you my scars

ahhhh... the scars...
they prove i can heal.
the scars where
defenses used to be.
they aren't gone though
they don't ever go away
my awareness only means
it can't control me anymore

Saturday, December 7, 2013

who you gonna follow?

it's kinda like somebody who was born blind gonna describe colors to you. it's not that they aren't intelligent enough, it's just that they lack the experience from which to draw any conclusions that really count.

in a world of colorblind people, i'm certain those who see color would be considered insane.

and the attempt to make it stop, to not be such a freak, to pretend like you don't see the pretty colors that nobody else can see, that would turn anybody insane. for real.

and then someday science might prove to the colorblind world that color really does exist, and the oppressed and persecuted crazy color-seers were right all along...


or maybe they would rather find some special light therapy that would blind those who see color, and put them out of their misery.

anything to make it stop

Thursday, December 5, 2013

hush now

did you hear that?

a whispered memory
of a promise made
very long ago?

no, it was
at all

maybe the breeze
stirred the tatters
this raggedy shirt
my favorite one
don't know why
i can't throw it out

Friday, October 18, 2013

smoke and mirrors, again

it's a model
a representation 
of what is real, 
because the models 
can be controlled
bought and sold.
truth is free
it has to be.

copy/paste from recent conversations elsewhere

you can't buy spiritual wisdom, it's not for sale. you can buy books, and you can read about other spiritual people all you want, and you can repeat the things you heard people say about it, and you can take classes even, it is not the same thing as living your own truth. nobody can give it to you what is already yours, but they can sell you a bucket o' bullshit, and if you pay enough for it you will swear you like it and even try to convince other people to buy some too.

and if you can afford the really expensive bullshit, then you might get yourself a certificate or some other qualification to start selling bullshit of your own to other idiots just like yourself, who are too fucking afraid to find their own truth. it's safer that way, and that grants some people special status above other people who can't afford the fancy stuff.


i think most people are basically good, and don't really want to hurt anybody. that's why they get so upset whenever anybody points out how their words and actions do sometimes hurt.

and so, rather than admit how they been tricked and played for fools, they must pretend their actions don't hurt anybody, and to discredit and destroy those who might raise their voices in a chorus of pain and anger that nobody wants to hear.


i think the stupid is an act.

fear is the real problem.
fear makes people act stupid.

Friday, October 4, 2013


being a juggler of clowns
is still just a part of the show
fancy parlour tricks done just so...
to entertain those in the know